I have decided to make it my personal mission to stop the seemingly unnoticed sexual inequality that happens in everyday language. It’s time men start referring to their “guy friends” as boyfriends. It makes perfect evolutionary sense. After all, men have progressed to the point of, if not embracing male sensitivity, at least acknowledging it. The bromance. The man-crush. I think they’re ready to go all the way with boyfriends.
Last night was the senior ball and, as such, it was a late night out for Cory. Instead of coming home, he spent the night with several of his boyfriends. See? That’s a clear enough statement, right? It takes too many words to say, “Cory spent the night with several of his friends, all of whom are male.”
We live in a society that thrives on efficiency. Why shouldn’t language be just as streamlined? If I can get away with calling my friends who are female “girlfriends,” shouldn’t the same leniency be applied to the masculine? Reverse discrimination will never come to an end if we don’t challenge comfort zones in language.
Jim, Bob and Al are three close buddies. Al, ever the non-conformist, is on board with my idea. Let’s listen in as Al incorporates this new approach to communications with Bob and Jim:
~ Hey Bob! Al here. Listen, Friday is Boyfriend Night, okay? Me and Jim and a few other guys have plans for some poker, beer, maybe watch a little girl-on-girl porn. Come on out.
~ Yo, Bob… Al calling. Want to drive down to Dansville with me to watch some motocross? Planning on meeting a few boyfriends after for burgers. Maybe some cards and beer, too. Jim will be there.
~ Bob-bo! How you doing, buddy?! Damn, it’s been ages! Where the hell have you been, bro? Since you met Babette, it’s like you don’t even care about your old boyfriends anymore! Let’s hang out sometime, dude! I bet Babette doesn’t even let you drink like you used to, eh? Let’s head over to the Porn Festival and have a few beers. That’s where you met Babette, right? I think Jim and Jane will be there.
~ Hey there, Bob. It’s Al. I’m trying to get some boyfriends together on Sunday for a tailgate party before the game. You in? Me, you, boyfriends, weiners-n-buns. We’re talkin’ party, dude. Par-tay! It’s gonna be HUGE!
~ What up, Bob? Just calling to see if you heard the news about Jim’s dog, Buster. One of Jim’s boyfriends hit poor old Buster with his ATV. Poor dog… we’ll never see the old lipstick again, and good riddance to that. But he was a loyal and capable huntin’ dog.
~ Oh, hello there, Robert! I’m surprised to see you here. Uh, would you like to join us? I’m just over there in that corner booth having a glass of wine with my boyfriend, John. He’s Jim’s brother, remember? And he teaches that obedience class I’m taking Jim’s new dog to…. Yeah, wine. I stopped drinking beer a few weeks ago when I noticed I’m getting muffin-top. Really distressing. It was impossible to ignore when Jim and I were out shopping for tank tops… Yeah, tank tops, Bob. We wear ‘em to that Shake Weight class we’re teaching.
~ Bob, Bobby, pick up the phone…! Hi, wow, glad you’re home. Listen, Bob, I have bad news. Jane left Jim for another man. Can you believe it?!! Poor old Jim. First the dog, now this! We need to get him out of the house, have a pow-wow, see if we can cheer him up. I think he just needs some TLC, know what I mean? A little Jim-time with the boyfriends. Can you help?……Bob? Bob? Bob, are you there? Bob…?
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